I need to ... (part 1)

"I need to jump in a puddle!"

Recently I was graced with the opportunity to attend and participate in a retreat. Now I used to work on a lot of these, and I honestly miss them. Even when there was work involved, the retreat and prayer aspect of the weekend always left me with a real sense of peace. The people in attendance all minister to youth in one way or another, so I admit that I had some initial struggles with why I was invited. I didn’t allow it to bother me too much though, I used to minister my faith to the youth of the world, things change and I no longer do this. However, I think I didn’t allow myself to feel out of place because I still work with youth as well – working with children who have mental and behavioral health concerns. And there’s the whole thing of ‘and they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love…’

We prayed, listened and shared, fairly quickly. I was blown away by the immediate honesty and sharing of feelings and emotions. There was both tears and laughter. I know that some of the immediate emotion was shared because many of these people know each other fairly well and work, collaborate and share together.

One of my favorite small group sharing opportunities occurred on the second day. We were split into groups of three or four and were to share some of our memories. I can’t remember the exact direction, but it had to do with thinking of something we did as a child that we are missing right now in our lives. I don’t exactly remember the one I shared because I really do miss a lot about my childhood – I think I shared about riding my bike in the small town we lived in. I often think back to my childhood in Bozeman, MT and while I am not resentful about our move to Nebraska, but I do often wonder how different my life would have been had we remained in Montana. It’s funny because recently I have re-connected with some of my friends from that time and with the stories they have shared and the direction their lives have gone, I know my life would have been very different.

Anyhow, back to the retreat. After the small group sharing, we had the opportunity to share with everyone something that we learned from our small groups. One woman shared that she had learned something from one of the people in her group. She had talked about jumping in puddles. When she spoke of this, there was such excitement in what she was saying that had it actually been raining, we would have all been racing outside to jump in puddles. She ended her comments by punching her fist and saying, “I need to jump in a puddle.”

That phrase kept playing in my head for the next several days. Her excitement at the thought of jumping in a puddle had me excited. I have jumped in puddles, so in my mind, I made it my own and thought, ‘I need to jump in more puddles.’ Again it ran through my mind over and over for days. It has been too cold out and there aren’t any puddles, but believe me the next chance I get, I’m jumping in a puddle.

Scheduling, Research and Queries

I have been working at scheduling my writing. This weekend I spent a lot of time researching different companies to submit my Wishman story too - I think I have officially changed the name to Wishes and Pockets, which I think might make it more appealing as opposed to the longer title of They Called Him the Wishman. Then I was researching query letters - I have written a couple, and the initial companies I sent the story too, would not take simultaneous submissions, so I then had to play the wait game. I did not like doing this - then there was no helpful hints. I know they receive a lot and don't have the time - the one company I submitted it to had a 12 week wait period and if I didn't hear from them in that time, I can safely assume they have decided to pass on it. Again, not liking this, but I thought I had a really good chance with this company as I had checked out other children's books they have, but I move on. The agent I submitted to responded fairly quickly - to the negative. Still it would have been nice to know if it is a good query or not.

The thing is I would like to sell the book on it's merits alone. I have even played with doing the art myself and selling it on iuniverse.com or something - who knows, that might still be coming. I actually have some ideas for art, even though my drawing is not good enough, I have been playing with some of my photographs and think that there are programs out there which would allow me to work them into the story. But first I am gonig to try what I wanted to do from the beginning which is to first send it to all the companies which will take simultaneous submissions (ss), then if no one bites, I can work with sending it to the companies that do not accept ss. It's like Josh Stolberg said when I saw him at the Omaha Film Festival - he sent out 75 copies of his script at one time, and only one responded with an offer - but that's all it takes, right?

Right now I am trying to figure out more of a writing routine - I want to at least completed some writing every day, this weekend I had a lot of writing time planned and it really seemed like the research of it all became my focus - in addition to getting my house back in order for company both tonight and tomorrow. I think that whatever writing time I have scheduled, is good, but if I have to do some research, I will have to set a specific time to allow me to get back to the writing.

I am excited to have gotten a bit farther on 2 of my stories though - one is a psychological thriller that I have hit a few roadblocks, mostly when it comes to presenting it to my writers group. I have become so aware of some of the critiques that they catch, that I find myself trying to fix those before reading at the meeting - which I honestly believe is the right thing to do, instead of reading it and thinking, 'I knew they were going to say that.' The other story is one that I really believe I am writing for a screenplay, but not having written one before, am thinking I should write it in story form first. This one is a little exciting to me, when I was thinking of the story, the main character was always a male. However, when I was thinking of it as a script, I know it only works and is more marketable if the lead is a female. Well, I realized that if I know this, I need to make the main character a female and go from there - so much has come together with this story since doing this. Now, I need to have some time to write, lol. This is becoming less of a problem as writing becomes more of a priority for me.

Writing Websites

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I was robbed 2...

Yesterday, I went to a friend's wedding. I was their picture-taker (I hesitate to say photographer because it was too much pressure). It was a great day, great wedding, and the pictures turned out fantastic. The day didn't end so well. I had every intention of coming home and writing a new blog, but got sidetracked. When I went to my car, I noticed my stuff was lying on the seat of my car then I noticed that my car radio was gone. My passenger side doors were open, but I don't ever leave my car unlocked, so I knew someone had been in it (duh, right, it's not like I carried the radio into the reception with me). So I went back and talked with a police officer who was at the wedding. He gave me a number to call and said I could call from home - he actually said that the house I was parked in front of was a major meth house that they kept trying to catch, but hadn't yet been able to. When I got back to my car, I realized that they had in fact broken my car window the back passenger (triangle one). I called the police as I drove home.

I was initially very pleased with how I was handling the situation - I wasn't freaking out, until I went to bed and when I got to thinking of them going through my glove box and having my address, I did freak a little. Anyhow, so the new blog was put on hold and I thought I would re-post one I had written for another blog back when my house break-in happened. It follows:


I WAS ROBBED!

Okay, so last week – not one of my better weeks. On Tuesday, I had decided that after my last appointment I was going to go and see Ice Age 2 for several reasons – one, I couldn’t find it listed when it is coming out on DVD and I really wanted to see it, 2. It was playing at the cheap theater in West Omaha, and 3. I had an appointment out that way. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I forgot the theater wasn’t a Douglas Theater, so there was no cotton candy – much to my disappointment. Anyway, I then headed home; glad it was early enough that I would still be able to get some stuff done.

I walked into my house about 9:15 and noticed that my living room lamp was knocked over and my laptop was not on the chair next to the couch (where I often use it). I assumed my dog had gotten out of the kitchen and somehow knocked it down. But as I walked to the kitchen I noticed the baby gate was still up and the dog was in the kitchen. I remember thinking, ‘Okay, if Elvis got out here and knocked it down, how did he get back into the kitchen without knocking the baby gate down?' That’s when I turned on the dining room light and noticed that my laptop was gone. Elvis was sitting in the kitchen looking out the back door and I went to let him out and noticed that my backdoor was broken in half. I let the dog out, odd I know, and grabbed the phone to call 911.

911 tells me to get out of the house until they can get someone there to search it. Two officers show up – one male and one female. They thoroughly search the house and I have to admit I was very relieved. They were in there for quite a while and only used their flashlights – which unnerved me a little. I kept wondering how I would know if they were in their and had attacked the police. Eventually they came out – I was frustrated from the get-go – they were way too casual. The let me know that the crime lab wasn’t coming out because they said the door was painted and they wouldn’t be able to get any prints off of that, hmmmm…the screen door which they had to open first was metal. Then lying in the middle of the living room is the hammer they used to pry the deadbolt out when they snapped the door in half. Now I pointed this hammer out to the police several times. They instead went to interview my neighbors to see if they saw anything – the one set of neighbors that I know was home, didn’t answer the door when he knocked on it (I know because they were sitting on the porch when I got home – now, I don’t know exactly when the robbery happened because they had about a 6 hour block of time to look and take things.) Thankfully, they only took a few things – my laptop, digital camera, flashcard and a cheap DVD player (which was sitting right next to my Xbox – isn’t that weird?).

There is one thing that I am still thinking was funny. Before they went to search the house, I thought of telling them ‘I’m gay,’ as a kind of warning in case they questioned the new Playgirl lying on the living room floor, the shirtless male calendars I have hanging in a couple of rooms, the lube I have sitting on the back of the couch and a couple other areas around the house – lol. I was going to do this as a kind of apology, in case the saw anything they didn’t want to see, and then I thought – ‘Why, what does that matter – they still have to search my house?’

So the officer comes back and says that he was only able to talk with one of my neighbors and they didn’t see anything. He gives me the report number and tells me that a detective should be calling in a few days and when I have the serial numbers for the items stolen (if I have them) to call him with those. I ask again about the hammer – he says, ‘oh, that’s not your hammer?’ I’m like, ‘no, I told you that,’ (At LEAST 3 times). So he says he will go back and call the crime lab and ask them. He comes back in and says they are not coming out, but he is to take the hammer with him. He takes a piece of notebook paper out of his notebook – wraps it around the hammer and carries it out. But he also comments, ‘well this is wood – so they won’t be able to get a print off of this, either.’ Nice, huh?

I block the door really good, so that no one is getting in that way – of course, until the door is fixed, I’m not getting out that way either. Tomorrow is a week since the robbery and I still have not heard anything from the detective. I have called several times to try and give the serial numbers of the items I have and to report that one more item was stolen – a flashcard, but the number is always busy. I found another piece of evidence that I have been trying to report too, but I can’t get through.

The night after the robbery – I was BBQ-ing for me and a friend that was coming over and as I was going up the deck, I kept getting a feeling that something was out of place. Finally after my third time of passing it, I realize what it is – there is a large can of one of those energy drinks sitting right there on the post of my deck – I try calling the detective although I am sure they will not do anything with it either. I finally put a plastic bag over it and picked it up – very carefully and have it saved on my front porch. I will try again when I go home for lunch to call and see what is up, but I really am having a hard time getting through to anyone. I have a co-workers brother who works in the crime lab – I am thinking about asking her about this.

The thing that really un-nerves me about the whole day last Tuesday, is that there is a part of me that wonders if they were in my backyard when I was home for lunch. First of all my gate was in the closed position, but the locking mechanism wasn’t down – I never, never forget to close that – I have even left messages for the mailman that he needs to close it as I have a dog and he could get out. And then, I don’t really know how to describe it, but I remember thinking that my dog was acting a little weird. I don’t completely know how to describe it – but one of the things that he was doing was watching the back door as if he was looking for someone to come in and I don’t know what else to say – it was just my intuition that had me thinking that he was acting a little different. Subdued, if that makes sense.

Okay, so for the last week – I have barely left the house.On Friday I returned to work and spent the majority of the in and out of mini-panic attacks (I’ve never had one but I am assuming that when your heart starts beating rapidly and your breathing begins to be strained and rapid – it’s a panic attack). I am better now, but still constantly wanting to run home to make sure everything is okay. I have been tearing up at the drop of a hat – you know a friend or family member gives me that look of ‘I’m sorry’ and I just well up with tears. It’s been nice to have support of family and friends, and I realize how lucky I am that I have renters insurance, that they took as little as they did, that I wasn’t home when it happened and that no one was hurt. I know that even though there is this fear of ‘they know what else I have now,’ statistically it is very rare that they ever return to the same house, but still…

"That's so hetero..."

I was saddened yesterday. I like to believe that I sometimes insulate myself in this safe little bubble. I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper and I rationalize that this is okay because the children I work with often have stories that are worse or similar to those that I see in the news. I believe that it is a coping skill for me, that it allows me to leave my work at work and at home - I get to focus on myself, my friends and my family.

I have known for a long time that the majority of us suffer from some sort of discrimination or another. Again, I protect myself from these situations - I don't always go to the theater because I am too big and the sits are uncomfortable - I don't fly because I worry about the comfort of others. Last night I was invited to go to a bar with a friend - it's not always the safest bar and I learned that a lot of times it depends on the type of music, but it can be a little sketchy. I said no because of the safety, I joked that it was because my friend would be the the one talking and getting us in trouble, but I would be the one who gets stabbed - that's my luck.

Later I realized how many different bars I shy away from because of my safety. I have absolutely no qualms about going into a sports bar and in fact, I tend to enjoy them more than the gay bars. However, when it comes to the nightclubs - I don't like the straight ones. As I was was thinking and considering it, I realized why I don't like them. I don't feel safe in them. In a time when Americans are more educated and 'accepting,' it doesn't always seem to be the actual case. I am constantly shocked at when I hear the word 'gay' used to describe something and more and more I am bothered by it. It's simply wrong, I wish that I could start the trend of saying 'that's so hetero...' Can you imagine how ridiculous that would sound - try it, the next time there is something that you have the chance to say it, do. Say 'oh my goodness, that's so hetero.' I am guessing you will be looked at as if you were very odd.

Anyways back to my commentary on discrimination. I am not blind and unaware, I know that we are all affected by it in one way or another. I know that I have been a victim of it as well as having discriminated against others. Last night was a time that I was able to recognize that it has begun to affect my quality of life. In the work I do, I even know what I would say to a family who has a behavior or thought affecting their quality of life. 'Take it back, make it yours, put yourself in situations so you feel in control.' Hmmmm...how stupid does it sound thinking, okay, I am not going to let my fears/thoughts/concerns keep me from living my life - I guess I am going to a straight nightclub.

Reading, Writing and Watching

I just finished watching In The Valley Of Elah - too depressing on this day we celebrate Easter. Last night I made the mistake of watching Borderland. I can't say either of them are bad, but they are nothing that I will probably find myself watching again. I believe In the Valley of Elah was written or presented by someone who was making a political statement - the very end was predictable to me - not that there is anything wrong with that, it just didn't surprise me. The movie was sad and I don't even want to think of what some of our soldiers have suffered over in Iraq. Borderland was just way too gross and gory. I think the thing that disturbs me most about some of this new 'slasher' porn as Josh Stolberg called it (I believe I am using the right phrase). The thing about Borderland is that it was a horribly scary story with just the premise alone - but then they feel this need to make a viewer physically ill after watching it. I needed a break after watching it, so I just watched some television and added another country that I never plan to visit to add to my list.

I am in the process of reading several books right now - I don't know if I have developed adult ADHD or what - but I have a hard time staying focused on one book at a time. Is it possible that I have become so technological that I just want to get to the point. I am reading two books on weightloss - both of which approach some of the reasons for gaining weight in a fairly different approach. The first is Ultrametabolism - which is interesting in that it is supposed to help you to find out how your specific body's metabolism works and then to identify foods that will help to speed it up. The other is this book that is called The Four-Day Win which I am loving.

Although I have to admit that I wish that both of them just had a short and sweet definition of what I need to do. Unfortunately I am having to do some reading in them though to learn what I am supposed to do. The thing I am loving about the Four-Day win is that I am learning something that I can take to my client's and I like that the philosophy is being addressed with the psychological. She talks about a doctor she knew who helps people to cure their Obsessive/Compulsive tendencies. The short and sweet of this is that the next time they have an urge to follow their compulsion (i.e. hand washing) to instead do something that they enjoy for 15 minutes (like gardening) supposedly after just two times of doing this, there is a decreased need for the compulsion. I am just about at the part that talks about how this works with eating - I am hoping it will be a tool I can use with my weight-loss group.

I am being strongly drawn to read Joe Hill's 20th Century Ghosts book (it's a book of short stories). I know that I really enjoy writing shorts. The other book I am trying to get is a book called Click which I find an absolutely fascinating concept. Ten writers all wrote a chapter of one man's life. I find that kind of inventive thinking absolutely brilliant. I think an idea like this would be a great experiment in writing. I shared my excitement to read this book with the person who leads my writers group and she didn't seem as excited about it. She said she might look at it in a store, but would never buy it. I was kind of surprised - she said that she might look through it in a store, but wouldn't buy it. She then went on to complement me. She talked about the writers in the group and identified 4 of them as having a strong identifiable voice. I was one of the four. She said that meant that if stories were put in a box anonymously, she would be able to identify the writer just by reading the story.

At first I wasn't sure how to take that - I thought it might initially be saying that I was not unique, so I left the email alone. Then later when I re-looked at it I was able to see what a compliment she was giving me. I didn't even know how to respond (so I didn't), but it was actually a huge compliment she was giving me. It's funny because earlier this year one of the writers in the group commented on my tendency to write in the first person. What was funny was I didn't take that offensively at all, but I did take it as a challenge. So that is why I wrote the story that I am currently editing for the Writers Digest short story contest - it's all in the third person.

Well time to get going - got eggs to hide!

Not Much Time...

..in order to post before the week is up. This has been one of those weeks. My whole week seemed to be appointment after appointment and when those appointments were done - I had another appointment that I needed to get to. My writing has been pretty well today. I am still learning how to use this program called Freemind
I believe it is supposed to help in outlining and other planning projects. I am using it to try and outline stories I have planned and am working on. One that I believe would make a good script (although I still have not developed the art of screenwriting). Then another that is a novel I have been working on for years and then another novel that I am trying to develop. One thing that I really liked about it is being able to add all these extra notes - the details I don't want to forget, but am also not sure where to store them. It is an interesting tool - I am I sure I am not using it right, but I also know that I don't have to write everything in order and can note when I do and don't have something completed.

I have just started outlining the other novel that I have been working on (though not as long as the first). I even recently found the outline of a novel I started over 10 years ago - I am still not sure it is worth it or that I can even go back to working on it - but this might just be the story for storing it.

I also have a story that I was going to work on for the National Novel in a Month contest in November. Now November came and went much quicker than I expected and you have to write something like 2000 pages a day to meet the goal of completing a 50,000 + word novel. I have a junior novel that I considered starting this last November. I would like to give it a shot for this coming November, so I plan to get the outline finished, so again I have a focus.

I am in the process of editing a short story that I wrote and presented to my writing group recently. They noted some interesting errors in it and I plan on get it ready to submit next month to the Writer's Digest Short Story Contest. I also plan on getting my Children's story Wishes and Pockets out to at least 5 publishers this week. I would like to have it submitted to 25 by this June is my goal.

Recently, I was looking at a lot of my short stories and realized that I have a fairly common theme running through many of them - I seem to have a fascination with light and might see if I can bring them all together in a collection of short stories.

I guess this has been the week for really focusing on my writing. I have also been doing a lot of movie watching and television watching as well as reading. I will save that for a different post so I can get this one posted before midnight, lol.