I need to ... (part 2)

(if you haven't read part 1 - I would skip down to read it first.)

"I need to jump in more puddles." I continued to have this thought again for several days. When this happens to me, I know that I have not grasped the important of why it is remaining in my mind. I wondered, 'what is it that I have let go from my childhood that I need to let back into my life?' That wasn't enough, subconsciously, there was still something I think I was missing.

(This is where you get the odd introduction of how my mind works.) When I wondered what I was missing, I realized I was asking the wrong question and for a short time, the question switched to 'what am I missing?'

I miss riding my bike in Montana, the tree house on the edge of town, playing outside, spending time with a really good friend, dreaming as much as I used to, planning my dreams. When I was younger I would plan what dream I was going to dream of before I went to bed, and I couldn't wait to immerse myself in that dream. I can't do that as much anymore, now I try and I have no control of the dreams I get to have. I miss those dreams. I miss hugs.

Those are just a few of the many thoughts that popped into my mind. My thoughts pretty much ended when I had the thought of 'I miss hugs.' Suddenly that became the thought that kept running through my mind. You may or may not know, I come from a big family and being the oldest child and an observer, I have spent a lot of time looking at our family and the different dynamics of it.

Being the oldest of a lot of children, I never there was always a lot of hugs in our family. The thing I noticed as I got older was that there seemed to be an age (9-11ish) where the hugging seemed to stop. It's not something I am bitching about or whining about, it just seems that this was the time, the hugs stopped. When I reflect back, I am sure that is about the age we all were basic, uhm...pukes! and we were starting to seek that independence. I look back and think how hard this must have been for my mother to allow us to step away and grow.

I noticed the same pattern with my nieces and nephews - it is always the little ones who are very free with the hugs. Luckily I have some of my older nieces and nephews who approach me and just give hugs. I love those times. I think that for a long time, I also grew to allow this time for my siblings to grow and become as affectionate as they wanted, if they wanted hugs, it was up to them to give them. TEC (the retreat program I worked with for years), hugs flowed freely. I think it was one of my favorite parts of belonging to TEC.

Now I joke about my 'personal space bubble' being bigger than most. There is some truth to it, for people who are new to me, old friends and my nieces and nephews, there doesn't seem to be a bubble. But ask me that last time I hugged my sister or brother, and I don't think I could tell you, other than the ones who have gotten married in the last few years, I don't think I have. This line of thinking led me to think of who else misses the hugs and I thought of my mother.

The hugs I give my mother are very seldom, so I can remember the last time I gave her one. That is sad to me, because I know that if there is anyone who needs or deserves a hug, it is my mother. You would think that knowing this would be enough to give her a hug every now and then. I have siblings who hug her often, either on the coming or the going of meeting at her home. I want to give her a hug. I don't know if it embarrasses me, or if I fear her reaction to getting a hug from me would make it uncomfortable, but I want to get better about giving her hugs. To the woman who said, 'I need to jump in a puddle;' I now pound my own fist and say, 'I need to give more hugs.'